Saturday, May 28, 2016

I lost Beasley - And Bugsie!

Beasley got run over by a car. It was about 15 months ago, now. I wasn't blogging at the time. But, below is "Ode to Beasley" which will show my pain at the time.

I had gotten a new sewing machine and a friend had come over to help me get it out of the car. We left the door open. He got out. By the time I realized, he'd been run over. I got him to the vet and he lived almost 15 hours. He wasn't in pain. I almost died. I got the sick for the first time in five years. Almost didn't get out of bed, but I did.

Bugsie got a big mass on her cheek, right at the jaw. She was starving to death because she couldn't open her mouth. There wasn't anything they could do. I tried to get to her eat canned food, but she was ever resistant to it. I had to let her go. That was December 2014.

I have Princess and Queenie left. Princess is very snuggly after the year we've had. Queenie is jealous all the time, but she's loving, too. They are both "cats" instead of "humans in cat suits," though.

Ode to Beasley....
Feb 7, 2015

The depth of my grief is the height of my love. The loss is so deep and hollow. The hole is piercing. The wind can't get there and light doesn't exist. The pain and emptiness echo in the darkness. The part that was filled with him.

I miss his snoring in the corner, on the bed, in my lap. I miss the fur and the softness, the warmth, the feel of him. I miss his yowl and chirp. His asking without sound for my attention and his acknowledgement of my eyes on his face.

I miss the soft rumble of his purr and the deep vibration of his heart. I miss his coming to sit next to me while I work and his knowing smile.

I miss his leaning into my arm or lap or shoulder. I miss his tail, his nuzzle to my hair and his paw on my shoulder. I miss his hugs.

He was my heart for eleven years. He held my soul in his eyes, as I held his. Our song will never be sung again. My heart will never feel that same love again. I will never know the understanding look in his eyes again. The chirps, nibbles, nuzzles, head butts, insistent paw wanting my lap and begging me to put the computer away so he could be with me instead. So he could distract me and calm me and be my heart. So he could be held in that way he loved so well.

His presence was soft and demanding at the same time. His needs were ever foremost in my mind. His comfort, his care... I never made a decision that did not include him. From the first, he was my partner. From the first, there was never a question of whether he would be there or not. There was never a question or doubt that he belonged here. From the very first meeting, we were one. I knew him and he knew me. He knew he could trust me and I knew I could trust him. We would never hurt each other.

And then he had to leave. He had to cross that bridge to the endless forever and leave me behind. The hole in my soul and my heart is bottomless. The pain is overwhelming. The loss...  Oh the loss... The emptiness...

I take your favorite mouse and can't bear to do anything but put it out of my sight so I don't cry each time I pass it. I can't wash it, because you are on it. I can't throw it away or burn it because you are on it. It is you - a part of you. You held it in your mouth. It holds your yowls as you look for me in the night. As you beg for my call and attention. How can I do anything with that? I can't leave you behind. I can't go forward without you.

O Beasley, my heart, my love, my voice, my pride. How can I live without you???

You who witnessed my growth, my betrayal, my pain, my loss, my gain, my building, my tearing down. You who were my constant companion for so long. My tears are hot and wet. They flow and flow and flow. My glasses steam up any my nose runs. I cry out in the night and under the sun.

How could you leave me??? Why did you leave me??? What am I to do now??? How will I know when to get up, when to eat, bathe, take my pills?

Whom I can trust??? You were my barometer for everything in my life for so long. How can I go on? How will I know if someone is worthy of my love without you to tell me they are OK? You could always tell about people. You knew who I could trust and who I could not. You knew if it was good or bad. You always knew.

Now it is a darkness in front of me. A dark tunnel that I must walk alone. You won't be with me. You won't follow me. You won't lead me. You aren't here. I can't hold you or check with you.

I don't even have the comfort of your snoring in the corner....

I am alone....

I am so sad....

I miss you....

I will always miss you....

I will always love you....


Good night, my love. I can't say good-bye.
The words won't come. Good-bye is too final.